Юмор

[Oleg]

Про пианино когда-то читал похожее: Что будет если уронить пианино на военного? - A flat major.

[juzy]

http://www.anekdot.ru/id/792440/

Не понимаю, как англоговорящие меломаны слушают музыку на английском.
Это же ужасно - понимать всю тупость любимых песен.

[juzy]

Did I read that sign right?
“TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.”

***

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

***

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...

***

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

***

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

***

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

***

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...

***

Spotted in a safari park: (I sure hope so.)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

***

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

***

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

***

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

***

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

***

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

***

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya' think?

***

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

***

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

***

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

***

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works better than a fair trial!

***

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

***

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya' think?!

***

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

***

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

***

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

***

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

***

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

***

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

***

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

***

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

***

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

***

And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

[juzy]

These are pretty clever.
Don't rush. Study each picture (there are 11 of 'em) and try to determine what it represents, before looking at the answer below each picture. You'll need to put on your thinking caps!

What is it?

eggplant

Who is it?

Doctor Pepper

What is it?

pool table

Oh, this one is tricky. What are they?

Tap dancers

100 point bonus…what is it?

Card Shark

Who am I?

The King of Pop

What is it?

I Pod

This one is hilarious. What is it?

Gator-Aide

Kind of scary, isn’t it? Well, what is it?

Knight mare

Another 100 point bonus. What is it?

Hole Milk

Hey Bartender give me one of these. What is it?

Light Beer

Get 'em all?
C'mon be honest!

[juzy]

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?

Take my advice — I'm not using it.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

When I married Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always.

My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.

I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

Money is the root of all wealth.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

[juzy]

http://distractify.com/old-school/20.../grammer-jokes

31 Jokes Every Grammar Nerd Can't Help But Love

[juzy]

https://www.buzzfeed.com/karstenschmehl/fucking-bottom

17 Russian Swear Words We Definitely Need In English

[lianna]

смешные анекдоты!

[juzy]

The plural of spouse is spice.

[juzy]

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

[teplostroy70]

А мемы сюда можно кидать?

[Novatian29]

это тема с шутками, да?

[juzy]

When You Rearrange The Letters

PRESBYTERIAN -> BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER -> MOON STARER
DESPERATION -> A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES -> THEY SEE
THE MORSE CODE -> HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY -> DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES -> CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY -> IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS -> LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS -> ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT -> I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES -> THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO -> TWELVE PLUS ONE

[juzy]

MEDICAL DICTIONARY

Artery = The study of paintings
Bacteria = Back door to cafeteria
Caesarean Section = A neighborhood in Rome
Dilate = To live long
Fester = Quicker than someone else
Fibula = A small lie
Labor Pain = Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff = A doctor's cane
Morbid = A higher offer
Nitrates = Higher than day rates
Node = I knew it
Outpatient = A person who has fainted
Pelvis = Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative = A letter carrier
Recovery Room = Place to do upholstery
Seizure = Roman emperor
Tablet = A small table
Terminal Illness = Getting sick at the airport
Tumor = One plus one more